Post by Sailor Comett on Feb 9, 2005 15:50:22 GMT 10
This is a re-write of the classic fairy tale 'Bluebeard' and it will be submitted in my Creative Writing course at University... It is only the first draft, so it will be cleaned and polished and changed somewhat before it is submitted, so your comments will be very helpful when I am re-drafting...
Thanks
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“No. No, I won’t do it.”
She may have been the prettiest girl in the kingdom, but that didn’t stop Lily being the most stubborn and the shallowest. In fact, it probably added to the problem somewhat.
“Honey, listen – ” her mother was shut off by the slamming of the girl’s bedroom door.
Her parents had decided that it was time for Lily to marry, and they were favourable towards a certain gentleman that had shown interest in her. The gentleman had lived on the outskirts of the kingdom for as long as anyone could remember and had been married before, each wife having died within a year of the marriage of natural causes. He was a rich man, very rich, but had a terribly disfigured face due to an accident in his childhood. It was this disfigurement that repulsed Lily so much and she refused to marry him.
This soon became clear to the unfortunate gentleman. Saddened, he returned to his large, lonely mansion. He remained there for several months, thinking of ways to win his love. And he was sure that this time it was love. From the moment his eyes met hers he had been obsessed by her – she was his drug, his addiction and he needed to make her his own for always. His master plan came to him in a dream – a ball, a fancy dress ball. Lily was such a pretentious girl, she would not refuse an invite to a ball. So the arrangements were made and invitations were sent to over half the kingdom.
Lily stared at the stiff cream card in her delicate hands. A ball – how exciting. Of course she would go. She would RSVP immediately and begin planning her outfit.
The evening of the ball arrived and all who were invited were arriving at the old mansion. Some arrived in carriages pulled by fine horses, others were making their way on foot across the frosty winter grass. Lily got out of her carriage, her dainty feet stepping lightly on the ground and marvelled at the richness of the mansion. A masked gentleman greeted her at the door. He extended his hand and as she took it, she felt an electric thrill run through her body.
“Please, this way.” The masked man guided her through a labyrinth of corridors and rooms, until they came to the ballroom. It was enormous, the size of the entire ground floor of Lily’s own home. In this room there were no other guests and the most beautiful, melodious music Lily had ever heard flowed around her, though she could see no discernible source of it. The man bowed low like a puppet with cut strings and turned his eyes up to hers. She curtsied stiffly and they danced. For hours they danced, unseen and unheard by the other guests in this secret ballroom. More hours passed. They danced far apart and they danced close together, as the music sped up, so did they. Lily’s feet bled and her white silk shoes were stained crimson. When the moon began to fade into the pink light of the new day the music stopped and Lily fell to the floor in exhaustion. Her partner knelt beside her and kissed her lightly on the lips. She did not push him away. When they broke apart, he removed his mask and Lily saw to her horror that he was the disfigured gentleman that had wanted to marry her all those months ago. Now she belonged to him. She must marry him.
II
Lily did not settle well into married life. She did not disobey her husband – she was far too afraid of him to do that, but she hated this new lack of freedom. It was, then, a great excitement for her when her husband told her he would be going away for a time. She soon let her family and friends know the dates when he would be gone so they could visit – as they were all too afraid to come when he was around.
The new wife was left many instructions by her husband on his departure. The final thing he gave her was an enormous metal ring with hundreds of keys on it.
“These are the keys to every room in the house”, he informed her. He then gave her one lone key, “and this key is the key to the room next to the wine cellar. You won’t need it though, because I forbid you from going in there. Under no circumstances are you to enter that room, do you hear me?” Lily nodded and pocketed the silver key.
“Travel well, my husband” she whispered, kissing him on his scarred cheek. Without another word, he was off on his horse, making his way toward the next village.
Lily’s family and friends soon arrived and she threw them a party, with all the richest food and drink. The music playing was beautiful, but Lily could never find the music for the song she had danced to with her husband a year ago. Descending toward the cellar to retrieve more wine, Lily’s eyes fell upon the door to the little room next to it, at the same moment, her hand reached into her pocket and felt the weight of the silver key. It started to grow warm, so warm that it began to burn her hand and she pulled it out of her pocket and dropped it on the floor. Upon closer inspection, she found the key to be quite cold and she picked it up again.
I’ll just have a little look… what could be the harm in that? She thought to herself. It’s only a room after all. She placed the key in the lock, turned it until she felt the satisfying clunk of the lock opening and pushed the door. It was stiff, and the sound screamed in her ears. She held her breath, but no one came. Cautiously, she peered round the door. She couldn’t see anything, it was pitch black. There were no windows, or if there were, they were covered by heavy drapes. She pushed the door open a little more and the light from outside flooded the small room.
Except, it didn’t. There were still black spots on the floor and directly above them, shadows hanging from the ceiling. Hanging? Lily took another look. They weren’t shadows. Hanging from hooks attached to the low ceiling were the headless bodies of her husband’s former wives. Lily held her hand to her mouth and gagged. Her legs turned to jelly and wouldn’t support her anymore and she fell to the ground hard. She stayed there until the next day. Her visitors had gone, assuming Lily had taken to bed early and she was alone. She stood up and yanked the door closed. But the key was stuck fast in the lock. No amount of pulling was enough to budge the little key. It was as if it had moulded itself into the keyhole. Panicked, Lily left it there and hoped her husband would not remember.
A week later, her husband returned. He greeted his beautiful wife and informed her that his trip had been successful.
“Now, dear wife, where are my keys?” He asked her. Lily handed him the circle of keys and smiled up at him. “And where is the other key I gave you?”
“Why, I must have left it on the dresser in my bathroom – I put it in there for safekeeping. I shall go and get it for you now.”
“No, no, that’s ok. I am tired and need to rest.” Lily breathed a sigh of relief. “You may give it to me when I awaken.”
Lily did not know what to do. After a few hours, her husband joined her in the lounge.
“Did you get my key, dear wife?”
Lily admitted that she had not.
“I shall go now.” She made her way up the stairs. She returned a few minutes later.
“Did you get my key, sweet wife?”
“It was the strangest thing, I thought I had left it on the dresser in my bathroom, but then I remembered that I swallowed it for safekeeping.”
“Are you sure, my beloved wife?”
“Yes, quite sure. I will have it for you tomorrow.”
Lily lies in bed, breathing softly, her chest barely moving and she tries not to make a sound. She has noticed that the ‘ornamental’ sword is missing from the wall, and she can hear her husband coming for her.
Thanks
----------------------------------
“No. No, I won’t do it.”
She may have been the prettiest girl in the kingdom, but that didn’t stop Lily being the most stubborn and the shallowest. In fact, it probably added to the problem somewhat.
“Honey, listen – ” her mother was shut off by the slamming of the girl’s bedroom door.
Her parents had decided that it was time for Lily to marry, and they were favourable towards a certain gentleman that had shown interest in her. The gentleman had lived on the outskirts of the kingdom for as long as anyone could remember and had been married before, each wife having died within a year of the marriage of natural causes. He was a rich man, very rich, but had a terribly disfigured face due to an accident in his childhood. It was this disfigurement that repulsed Lily so much and she refused to marry him.
This soon became clear to the unfortunate gentleman. Saddened, he returned to his large, lonely mansion. He remained there for several months, thinking of ways to win his love. And he was sure that this time it was love. From the moment his eyes met hers he had been obsessed by her – she was his drug, his addiction and he needed to make her his own for always. His master plan came to him in a dream – a ball, a fancy dress ball. Lily was such a pretentious girl, she would not refuse an invite to a ball. So the arrangements were made and invitations were sent to over half the kingdom.
Lily stared at the stiff cream card in her delicate hands. A ball – how exciting. Of course she would go. She would RSVP immediately and begin planning her outfit.
The evening of the ball arrived and all who were invited were arriving at the old mansion. Some arrived in carriages pulled by fine horses, others were making their way on foot across the frosty winter grass. Lily got out of her carriage, her dainty feet stepping lightly on the ground and marvelled at the richness of the mansion. A masked gentleman greeted her at the door. He extended his hand and as she took it, she felt an electric thrill run through her body.
“Please, this way.” The masked man guided her through a labyrinth of corridors and rooms, until they came to the ballroom. It was enormous, the size of the entire ground floor of Lily’s own home. In this room there were no other guests and the most beautiful, melodious music Lily had ever heard flowed around her, though she could see no discernible source of it. The man bowed low like a puppet with cut strings and turned his eyes up to hers. She curtsied stiffly and they danced. For hours they danced, unseen and unheard by the other guests in this secret ballroom. More hours passed. They danced far apart and they danced close together, as the music sped up, so did they. Lily’s feet bled and her white silk shoes were stained crimson. When the moon began to fade into the pink light of the new day the music stopped and Lily fell to the floor in exhaustion. Her partner knelt beside her and kissed her lightly on the lips. She did not push him away. When they broke apart, he removed his mask and Lily saw to her horror that he was the disfigured gentleman that had wanted to marry her all those months ago. Now she belonged to him. She must marry him.
II
Lily did not settle well into married life. She did not disobey her husband – she was far too afraid of him to do that, but she hated this new lack of freedom. It was, then, a great excitement for her when her husband told her he would be going away for a time. She soon let her family and friends know the dates when he would be gone so they could visit – as they were all too afraid to come when he was around.
The new wife was left many instructions by her husband on his departure. The final thing he gave her was an enormous metal ring with hundreds of keys on it.
“These are the keys to every room in the house”, he informed her. He then gave her one lone key, “and this key is the key to the room next to the wine cellar. You won’t need it though, because I forbid you from going in there. Under no circumstances are you to enter that room, do you hear me?” Lily nodded and pocketed the silver key.
“Travel well, my husband” she whispered, kissing him on his scarred cheek. Without another word, he was off on his horse, making his way toward the next village.
Lily’s family and friends soon arrived and she threw them a party, with all the richest food and drink. The music playing was beautiful, but Lily could never find the music for the song she had danced to with her husband a year ago. Descending toward the cellar to retrieve more wine, Lily’s eyes fell upon the door to the little room next to it, at the same moment, her hand reached into her pocket and felt the weight of the silver key. It started to grow warm, so warm that it began to burn her hand and she pulled it out of her pocket and dropped it on the floor. Upon closer inspection, she found the key to be quite cold and she picked it up again.
I’ll just have a little look… what could be the harm in that? She thought to herself. It’s only a room after all. She placed the key in the lock, turned it until she felt the satisfying clunk of the lock opening and pushed the door. It was stiff, and the sound screamed in her ears. She held her breath, but no one came. Cautiously, she peered round the door. She couldn’t see anything, it was pitch black. There were no windows, or if there were, they were covered by heavy drapes. She pushed the door open a little more and the light from outside flooded the small room.
Except, it didn’t. There were still black spots on the floor and directly above them, shadows hanging from the ceiling. Hanging? Lily took another look. They weren’t shadows. Hanging from hooks attached to the low ceiling were the headless bodies of her husband’s former wives. Lily held her hand to her mouth and gagged. Her legs turned to jelly and wouldn’t support her anymore and she fell to the ground hard. She stayed there until the next day. Her visitors had gone, assuming Lily had taken to bed early and she was alone. She stood up and yanked the door closed. But the key was stuck fast in the lock. No amount of pulling was enough to budge the little key. It was as if it had moulded itself into the keyhole. Panicked, Lily left it there and hoped her husband would not remember.
A week later, her husband returned. He greeted his beautiful wife and informed her that his trip had been successful.
“Now, dear wife, where are my keys?” He asked her. Lily handed him the circle of keys and smiled up at him. “And where is the other key I gave you?”
“Why, I must have left it on the dresser in my bathroom – I put it in there for safekeeping. I shall go and get it for you now.”
“No, no, that’s ok. I am tired and need to rest.” Lily breathed a sigh of relief. “You may give it to me when I awaken.”
Lily did not know what to do. After a few hours, her husband joined her in the lounge.
“Did you get my key, dear wife?”
Lily admitted that she had not.
“I shall go now.” She made her way up the stairs. She returned a few minutes later.
“Did you get my key, sweet wife?”
“It was the strangest thing, I thought I had left it on the dresser in my bathroom, but then I remembered that I swallowed it for safekeeping.”
“Are you sure, my beloved wife?”
“Yes, quite sure. I will have it for you tomorrow.”
Lily lies in bed, breathing softly, her chest barely moving and she tries not to make a sound. She has noticed that the ‘ornamental’ sword is missing from the wall, and she can hear her husband coming for her.
I have never heard of this fairytale before... but the way you have written it ~had soo much suspense, its scary.
Too bad I might not be able to help you improve it..cause I can't really find much to criticise about 
<--Thanks ChibiJen!!