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Post by sailorfire on Sept 1, 2004 18:35:00 GMT 10
drown in black... my grip grows slack... i felt like dying i was sinking... death was coming and my world was black no amount of hoping could save me and help me....
this was done as i thought of what a person would experience during drowning
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Post by sailorfire on Apr 16, 2005 21:58:37 GMT 10
since no one replied to that poem i did a whole year of thinking and again, it was not a good year for me so, here you are: tittle:I am standing in a pool of clear blue water... I am standing in a pool of clear blue water, I’m looking for happiness but I can find nothing. This feeling is leading me into in your brain. I stand very still and tears fall smoothly down my cheeks as I am crying, I am feeling anguish, despair and loneliness, Watching ripples form as the liquid of the red rain.
The hate you pointed at me, The red rose you gave me stung me I watched in disbelief as your gift turned malicious and with its thorn… it hurt me. It does sting… Why do you regard me with such disdain? Why is the rose such a flower? Don’t you know your burning hate is such a scorcher?
Aren’t roses supposed to be our symbol of love? Am I not your angel from above? Why do you look at me without love? Why am I ignored by you? Wasn’t our love supposed to be true? Why did you give me a shove? Why was I turned away?
But questions still linger. Will I be the same? My soul is changed and I shall live for eternity… Will you even answer, if I call out your name? Will I be forever alone? Will I forever be waiting for your call of love from the phone? Will I forever be in a sea of melancholy?
When darkness is over, will you still be near? I can’t wait forever for you to appear. My heart is still heavy from all of this pain. If loosing you frees me, then what have I gained?
These troubles still haunt me. I cannot escape. From all of these feeling I must contemplate. Since no one can guide me, this path I shall roam. Together in heartache yet I am alone.
also posted in:http://www.gaiaonline.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=7060644&highlight=
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Post by Chibi Jen on Apr 16, 2005 22:06:07 GMT 10
Sf, I reread some of your previous poems, and this current one you psoted, and I must say there's a huge improvement. This poem is very good The beginning was a little strange (its probably just me) but after the first stanza, there was a really nice rythm to it too. A meaningful and well expressed poem. Hope you're feeling better; the poem was rather depressing I must say.
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Post by sailorfire on Apr 17, 2005 16:36:24 GMT 10
yeah i was depressed and angry at that time but this poem helped me express my frustrations in a positive manner. looking back, i guess it was teenage angst but also the profound feeling of beng forever changed by the feeling of love.
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Post by sailorfire on Jul 5, 2005 13:40:32 GMT 10
more teenage angst! I been waiting, staring at the phone... But you never call... and i am so alone. am I waiting in vain? are my tears to eternally rain... rain down my cheeks in rivulets...? Destiny lets me wait... yes, it lets...
But i feel so alone without you... Don't you know, that our love is true? Don't tell me that i waste my time and let time fly by... I sit and wait, waiting for your call to me... as i see the clouds in the sky soar by... Do you even know of the love that is in my eyes... Why can't you see?
Am I to be alone forever? Have you really cut our bond, our link... that you vowed to never sever? Are you so cruel and willing to let me sink...? I am sinking into a pit of melancholy... i may seem happy outside... but within, i am unhappy...
Please come back to me, Don't you see? I miss you so much. I love you so much. I will vow to love you forever... if you will only come back and be my lover ...
I wish to spend eternity with you in happiness... Please come back... show me some kindness! originally posted:http://www.gaiaonline.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=8682845&
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Post by sailorfire on Jul 5, 2005 13:48:26 GMT 10
death is like shadows, taking life away. How do shadows take life away? oh yeah, now that i am older i can explain this. shadows make a place gloomy and when a place is gloomy. it is like life is being sucked out... sorry if it sounds profound, but that's my way of explaining it.
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Post by Chibi Jen on Jul 8, 2005 14:18:12 GMT 10
Not a bad poem sf ^^ I liked some of the lines like "Have you really cut our bond, our link... that you vowed to never sever? " but then some others were a little..I donno..weak?
Some other lines like "Don't you know, that our love is true? " doesnt sound like a strong argument.. I doesnt seem to evoke the feeling you're tyring to.
Some lines you could have worked on more: "i may seem happy outside... but within, i am unhappy... "
These are just my thoughts, please dont be offended.
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Post by sailorfire on Jul 8, 2005 16:08:01 GMT 10
i am not offended. To tell you the truth, i was trying to convey loneliness, but now that i look back, it does not seem to have much of that feeling...
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Post by Sailor Comett on Jul 10, 2005 19:09:20 GMT 10
'I am standing in a pool of clear blue water... ' - I agree with Jen, it took on quite a nice rhythm. It is a good poem though, I like the symbolism of the rose you created but it is also used as defamiliarisation, because a rose is typically used to represent love, and your point is that there is no love. well done!
Does the other poem have a title? I liked this line It's another sad one that successfully conveys a sense of loneliness *sniff* I also agree that there is an improvement, go sf!
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Post by sailorfire on Jul 11, 2005 19:35:41 GMT 10
the title of the last poem is...Waiting endlessly in lonliness and oh yeah, thanks for the comments!
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Post by sailorfire on Jul 27, 2005 0:47:39 GMT 10
new poem: Love is a tricky thing, This i know well... Once i loved someone...great to me. But that someone... was not meant to be... So my heart broke... and as he spoke... hateful lies about me, I realised that he never knew the real me But that love is over and i will search for the true thing... and by then, i hope my sorrow will vanish and that my mental health will be well... I will keep on searching, I will keep on looking, and I want to banish... The pain in my heart... and i hope, that my soulmate will help me and do his part... For love that is true is forever and it shall connect two beings with a true, true love that nobody can sever i will not stop until i have found my true love
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Death Soldier
Dark Cosmic Moderator
The Dark Soldier
Posts: 2,386
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Post by Death Soldier on Jul 27, 2005 23:49:06 GMT 10
Hey Sailorfire..I think the poem a bit ordinary and doesn’t evoke much emotions. Try using more similies and metaphors and describe feelings in more details (the 5 senses maybe?) to capture how you want us to feel. I think the poem is quite emotionless…and kind of non-living. mm..I think you can work on the word “great”. It doesn’t really have much impact on me.
I like the idea you used here. Interesting how you used “lies” but for the guy, he is probably saying the truth- at least wat he sees~ possibly the false you. I think that can work as a twist, give the read the possibility of the persona that something may actually be wrong with her. Just ideas. I don’t want you to change your initial idea or anything.
Maybe you should switch “searching” and “looking” around, or try a different synonym. Keep working on them =)
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Post by sailorfire on Aug 1, 2005 7:45:45 GMT 10
well i was very depressed. good outlet for emotions ,don't you agree?
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Post by sailorfire on Oct 9, 2005 8:50:49 GMT 10
note: both are very short but explains my outlook on life!life's pains and gains.
missing the halcyon days of youth gone by, all i can do is wave and say good bye... i used to be a child but now no more... my feelings are sore... and all i can do is say goodbye... --------------------------------------- tears and fears
life is always full of fears, but after the tears... we still go on with life... no matter what,even if there is strife. because there is still hope, despite all the fears! ------------------------------------------------------------
Guilt and innocence; revelations in a mirror (poetic horror) Why can’t you see the brutality bestowed on my soul, mind and body? You can’t see beyond my exterior and see the truth of my self? Why can’t you let me be who I want to be? Why can’t you see beyond the need for study? You think that you know me, myself… But the fact is, you don’t know and let it be. Can’t you ever ask? Don’t you know that it hurts to keep everything locked inside? Can’t you see my exterior is just a mask? Can’t you see that I have lost my inner pride? Trapped in my own head, I want to scream. Trapped in a core of red, I want to pound someone into cream. Do not let me be… Take me from this overwhelming darkness and let me see the light! I see myself in a mirror and am tempted severely to shatter its silvery surface to pieces … So, now you see… you see, the real me. My guilt shatters me to pieces, So do not attempt to break me. I am already broken, And have already taken a fall.
In my heart, I have a strong desire… to break something to pieces. But deeper in my interior of my heart, I know, I know… that won’t help me at all… It will only hurt me more than ever, you see. So you see the problem that ails me, help me… Can’t you see? Can’t you trust me? Can’t you save me?
He deceived me and took away my innocence, my foolishness He received his fun and took away my blindness, my childhood fantasies… My innocence which was lost was replaced by heartlessness. When I lost my childhood fantasies, I was lost, alone and drowning in shame. Eventually I sought the help of someone dear to me I lost the shame and regained, in my head, my good name. So, why it is that reality kills me… It is no wonder why teenagers are so bloody contemptuous of reality… You both… my parents, of all people, should identify with us all… You both should know the reason why we escape to virtual reality… Even among my fellow teenagers, I am lost… lost within them all… I am a vacant stone, outwardly strong. But really, if you know me, I am truly alone, even among friends. So, how long to wait till my soul mends, How is the duration of waiting…? Is guilt… is it a stupid thing? Is it very long? Oh how I wish that the wrong… Done to me long ago can be destroyed for good… So, someone, help me out of the endless nightmare of culpability… Save me from drowning in my unhappiness Give me back my sensibility… Show me kindness… Oh this life of mine… I am a prisoner of it! Oh these emotions of mine, they make me want to have a fit… Send me a knight to protect, love and heal me. Send me a guardian of truth to guide me back to the light.
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Post by Sailor Comett on Oct 18, 2005 21:35:53 GMT 10
These are getting soooo much better sf! I really like these ones... they convey soo much! Especially this one:
Makes me sad, I have been getting all nostalgic & wishing for the past again lately, so this one really touched me! But they're all very good, your best yet!
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